What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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