he wants to bone in the snuggie
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
