just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
