Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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