i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I could have mohawked her pubes.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
