wake up i wanna do it froggy style
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
