i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
