My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
