I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
