Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
