I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm at about main and main street
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
