Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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