having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
