Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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