So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
