we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
