he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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