She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think my mom watched the whole time
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
