Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
