I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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