i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
