he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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