my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
