Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
