and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
COCAINE IS GR8
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
