we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
