My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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