Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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