i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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