If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
