i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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