i think my mom watched the whole time
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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