I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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