god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
