For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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