I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
