I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
