How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
