Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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