hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
