I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
