Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
