i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
