I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
