i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
