you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
