I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
