Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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