i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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