the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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