yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
