True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
