I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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