She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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