if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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