woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
