My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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